motherhood, Pediatric Brain Tumor, Personal

My William

Surgery was Tuesday and it went well. 95% of the tumor was removed. We are in the Neuro Trauma unit. I keep seeing that word each time we go in and out. Trauma, trauma…traumatized. I am, we are, as a family, so traumatized. William obviously most of all. From the first seizure to the MRI that lit up with a big white circle in his brain, to now. When he woke up after surgery, he couldn’t talk, or move his right side. He was so frustrated, and in so much pain, he just cried and shook. I could tell he was trying to speak. His lips were trying to form the words he knows, but, the part of his brain that forms speech is….gone. I saw it on the MRI. It’s an empty “cavity”. A black hole. The tumor that could take his life had to be removed. I am so glad it’s gone. The seizures had to be stopped, but the cost feels really heavy today. I know he will heal! I know he will learn to speak on the other side of his brain. And to walk. Our surgeon (and what seemed like 100 residents) looked at me like startled deer as I sobbed in the dark this morning. He knew what I was thinking, though. “Hey, he’s still in there. I know he feels like a different kid. He’s not. His personality is intact. He’s just been through a lot. He’s traumatized. His brain is still really swollen. He’s in there. I promise.” Trauma, so much trauma. His body, our souls, our hearts. I prayed while he slept and begged for a sign that’s he’s still the same. That he’s still my, Will. That he knows me. He started rubbing my arm like he always has since he was wrapped in my arms as a nursing baby. And later when he woke he looked into my eyes and touched my face. My sweet boy! I needed that. 📸: the talented and lovely,

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